No words left
by aki-tsuki
Summary: Jean and Marco are in love but not all people support them. Is their love strong enough to make it? WARNING! Suicide. JeanXMarco


**So guys ! :D**  
**This deals with suicide! So please don't read if you're easily triggered or not good with this topic :c **

**I don't even know why I wrote this. I had to cry so much while writing o.o'' Yes, my own writing smashed my feelings, so feeel with meee ! /w\**

**WARNING: you'll find Lyrics from Imagine Dragons, since I am pretty obsessed with their song "Nothing left to say" lately. ^-^**

**Enjoy c:**

* * *

„Where the hell is he…he's never been this late", I thought to myself, as I was standing outside the school. Lessons ended already half an hour ago, but I still was here to wait for my..well, boyfriend?

I would of course never admit this, but yes, I was deeply in love with a boy. A boy I've only know for 3 months now, on top of that. But I couldn't be helped, I fell for him and now I have to carry the consequences.

Which were waiting for him after school for fifteen minutes.

„Ah, I am sorry you had to wait, but my PE-teacher wanted to talk to me after the lesson!"

I saw a tall, black haired boy appearing at the school gates. Freckles were placed all over his cheeks..and was this red on his cheeks?

„No problem, Marco. I've waited for only 10 minutes, y'know", I lied. I knew he'd feel bad if I told him that I acutually stood here for thirty minutes so I thought it'd be better to lie a bit.

A gigantic smile appeared on his face and he reached out to grab my bag. Whenever we went together somewhere, he insisted on carrying my bag, no matter how many times I told him that he didn't have to. But the gentleman he was, he always snatched at my bag, even if he had to use force.

I sighed lightly and decided to avoid any discussion, so gave him my bag and we started walking down the street.

„How's school been today, Jean?"

Marco still smiled. Well, he always did, when he looked at me. But to be honest, I found this quite cute, how his eyes shined whenever our gazes met.

„Was okay, I guess. What about you?"

„Yeah, same. Allthough…you know that boy from a class above us? The one who barely comes to school"

I nodded. Yes, I knew him and I didn't made the best experiences with him. He was a bully and always hit on the younger ones.

„He pushed me today and I hit my head"

I stopped walking. That damn boy….

„Show me your head! Does it hurt? Did it bleed? I'm gonna beat the crap out of this damn guy!"

I had to go on my topetips to pull Marcos head on my level. I studied his head, if there were any marks. But the only thing I could find was a buldge on the back of his head.

Marco must've seen my frown because he pulled away and waved his hand fending.

„No it's okay. I only hit a table, I had a little headache but it's better now"

„Hmph. Someone should really do something against this bully"

It was not the first time Marco has been bullied by anyone. To be exact, almost everday, he had to deal with people hitting on him. And all because he was from a poor family. His father died when he was still young, so his mom was left with him and his younger sister. And because his mother had to work at two jobs, Marco had to take care of his sister on his own. He hadn't had an easy life, but somehow, he still managed to smile so much, and that's why I really admirered him.

I was the complete opposite of him. I was born into a rich, well educated family, I never had any problems with my grades and so I was expected to go onto a good university abroad. Not like I had something to say in this. If it was me, I would just study here in Japan and work as a teacher for literature.

I enjoyed wirting since ever and my biggest fan is of course, Marco. He was the one person allowed to read my texts because he never judged my words and always said what he really thought of it.  
That was a pleased relief for me, because most people only treated me nice because I was the son of the owner of a big company. Marco was different. He spent time with me because he wanted to, not because he hoped to get a job in my father's company or something like that.

„I know, but it can't be helped. The teachers never do anything because of his aggresive temper"

„But still, I think it's not fair for other people. I mean just because you're different from most people doesn't make you bad, does it"

„Good day, today? You're nicer than usual, Jean!"

„Well, excuse me! Just because I don't like seeing my boyfriend being beaten up by some stupid kid?"

„No no! I just like hearing such things from you, you know!"

Marco stopped again to dazzle me with a big grin and pulled me by my shoulders into his arms.  
He placed a slight kiss on my head and made my face turn red on an instant.

„Oi! Not in public!"

„I don't care, we're almost at my place anyway"

Marco didn't made any move to release me from his embrace, so I soon stopped any act of defense and let myself get carried away in his smell.

„Well, let us get something to eat, okay? My sister is at home and I bet she's starving right now because she is too lazy to cook something herself"

„Okay, but you know, I told my father to be at home at 6 PM, so I can't stay that long"

„Doesn't matter, important is that weg et to spend time with each other, right?"

Well, he had a point.

* * *

„Jean-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!"

I saw a brunette girl running towards me. She wrapped her arms around my waist, because she was still so small, allthough she was almost ten.

„Hey, Aika"

Marcos younger sister was a nice girl, like her mother and brother.  
In contrast to my family, I was known here at Marcos boyfriend, not his best friend. Marcos family didn't mind at all, that's why I felt more at home here than at my real home.  
If my father found out that I was into boys, he surely would kick me out oft he house.

„Haven't seen you in a while now, Jean-kun!"

„Yeah, we had exams, y'know"

„Yep! Nii-chan told me about it. Did you do well? I'm sure you did!"

„Com one, Aika, let's make something to eat, I bet you're hungry, right?"

„Yes!"

Marco went into the kitchen, followed by a nonstop talking Aika and me. Marco could cook pretty well since he had to do this for his sister and his mom who was always very tired of work.

He was independet but still, he clung to me like he was afraid to lose me anytime. Baka, like I would leave him alone. But I could never say these words.

* * *

**AT HOME**

I screamt „I'm home" as I took off my shoes and walked into my room, laying down my school bag.

„Where have you been? Again at that boy's place? You know you're supposed to study, don't you?"

My mom appeared in my room, looking angry. I sighed.

„I know, mom. But let me have a life beside school, okay?"

„You HAVE a life outside school but you know that your father and I aren't very keen on you hanging out with that guy"

„Mom. He's the only one treating me normal, so why the heck should I end my friendship with him?"

It annoyed me that I couldn't come out to my parents. It always hurt to say that Marco was only a friend for me, when he was so much more.

„Guess it's time for us to say it"

„What? What do you want to say?"

I didn't expect anything good from this. To be exact, I expected the worst.

„Hmm. Well, let's discuss this with your father"

After a minute, may parents sat on the table with me. Their faces were hard to read but I saw that my dad was angry and mom looked somehow worried.

„Let's make this short. Jean, we want you to stop hanging around with that Marco"

My heart froze. They can't be serious.

„Why? Why do you want to take away the only good thing I have in my life?"

„We decide what's good for you and what's not. We know that Marco is poor and we think that he may interfere with your studies"

„I am good in school! My grades are all A's what more do you want me to do?"

„We know that but nothing can change our minds now. We tell you to break your friendship with him"

„Friendship…" My dad breathed out. „Like you know what friendship is, he's still to young to know anything"

„What the heck? I am almost 18, I can decide pretty well who is good for me!"

I was annoyed and angry as well. I hated how they controlled my life, always deciding on their own, whether it was what I will study or who I hung out with.

„Son, stop being around that boy or we will stop supporting you financially"

I felt like I couldn't say anything to change their minds. I felt hopeless, like I lost control over my life.  
I stood up and rushed out of the room. I couldn't go back into my room, if I saw my parents I would seriously lose conrtrol over my actions.

Anger welled inside of me and in my mind, there was only place I could go to make me feel better. Marco. But wouldn't they find out? Wouldn't my parents come look after me?

„Tch. What am I talking. They don't even know where he lives" , I thought silently, not a single sound ould come over my lips in this moment.

I grabbed my jacket, bag and ran out of the house, ignoring the screams and calls from my parents.

* * *

The night was clear, the moon hung on the sky like it knew everything, but was unable to make a move. I heard an owl singing ist lonley song and realized that I haven't felt so lonely for a long, long time. The only thing I wanted to hear now was the sound of Marcos voice, telling me that everything would be alright, that I didn't have to worry.

I rushed through the darkness, my parents words echoing in my head. Everything felt so unreal, like it was just one big nightmare, and I hoped to wake up soon.

The house complex Marco was living in had about 19 other apartments, so it was always noisy, no matter what time it was.

I pressed the bell which said 'Boldt'. Somewhere I heard a baby screaming and a dog barking. I always wondered how Marco could live here, between all these people and sounds.

„Hello?" Marcos mother spoke with a tired voice.

„Hi, it's um..Jean. Is Marco at home?"

„Oh, yes, he is! He's making his homework right now. I let you in, but don't you get trouble with your parents when you're gone at this time?"

It was around 11 PM when I reached Marcos place. I wandered planlessly through the streets before, I couldn't go straight away to see him, afraid that I might let out my anger on him. I've never been good in dealing with such feelings.

„It's okay. I talked to my mom"

„Wait a moment"

A second later, I heard a buzzing and I opened the door. I walked the many stairs to their apartment, they almost lived at the top.

„Jean, what's up? You look like something's troubling you"

Marcos mother leaned at the door, looking worried. She always cared about others, no matter how many problems she had herself. A thing that Marco had as well.

„Everything's fine. I just felt like seeing him"

She smiled. I seriously was happy that Marcos family was accepting the fact that he had a male lover.

„Come in. I haven't told him that you're here yet. Thought you migh surprise him"

I forced a little smile on my face. But on the inside, I just felt like crying.

I stepped inside the little apartment, took off my shoes and headed towards Marcos room. Aika was asleep already, I could tell, because usually she always came running to me.

Knocking on the door, but opening it at the sime time, I found a sleeping Marco on the bed. Books, pens and papers were spread on the floor, the bed and the desk.

„Whew, he really is studying hard to pass", I whispered.

The bed looked so comforting, so I sat beside Marco and held him by his shoulders.

„Oi. Marco, wake up"

„Hmmmm"

He opened his eyes halfway, but they fell back closed. He muttered some words I couldn't understand and kept on sleeping.

„Marco. Wake up now"

A little kiss on his forehead made him wake up. That always worked.

„Jean? What...what are you doing here?"

His sleepy voice was so cute and hot at the same time, I had to held back not to kiss him for five hours straight.

„There's a problem"

His eyes widened and he sat up, fingers running through his messy hair.

„What is it?"

„Well...how should I say it..we must stop seeing each other"

„What? You came here at night just to tell me this? Why?"

„It's nothing I have decided. Rather, my parents told me to do so"

„What's wrong with them, seriously! And you just to as they please? Aren't you going to decide on your own?"

I closed my eyes and leaned my head on his shoulder. This place always gave me comfort, I realized. I didn't want to say goodbye.

„I don't know..they stop supporting me financially if we keep being together. Well, friends in their eyes. I can't hope to get any sort of support if I disobey them"

„Am I that unimportant to you?"

„Of course not, stop talking nonsense"

„Then why do break up with me right now?"

„I don't know, geez, I so confused!"

Marco looked straight into my eyes. They were filled with sadness and reproaches.

„I seriously have to think 'bout this, 'kay? I don't want neither of you to hate you"

Marco nodded, and suddenly, there rolled a tear over his cheek.  
He looked like a child when he was crying, but with his freckles, I couldn't sop myself from thinkin that he looked really cute.

„Whatever. May I sleep here tonight? I don't wanna go back since I ran way"

A slight smile hushed over his face while he said „Yes".

I pushed his shoulders on the bed and snuggled myself beside him, placed my head on his chest.  
I could hear his steady breathing, feel his warm breath and his strong arms pulling me closer.  
Maybe I get another chance to turn this around, I thought. But still, I wasn't sure. I was torn between my parents and him.

Somehow, I drifted into a long, dreamless sleep.  
When the alarm rang, his mom told us to go school, Marco and I still held on to each other. We didn't make a move to release the other one the whole night.

* * *

**2 DAYS AFTER THAT**

„Damn, I am so tired"

Fatigue was slowly creeping its way on my eyes. I tried to hold them open but the teacher's monotone voice didn't really help. So not to fall asleep during lesson, I simply looked out of the window, thinking about the last days events.

After school, the day I slept over at Marcos place, I went back home. I expected my parents to be angry – and they were. They shouted at me, who the hell I was to run away from home and to disobey them.

I had to endure their shouting, knowing that I couldn't do anything against them, so I simply nodded whenever they said something.  
The day went by quite boring since I couldn't meet Marco. I hated my parents from the bottom of my heart for not allowing me to go out but I didn't want to get into more trouble.

The day after that, Marco wasn't at school. It was the first thing I noticed in the morning, though I was almost falling alseep. Maybe he got sick or something, I told myself.  
But a strange feeling pressured my thorat, made it impossible for me to concentrate on anything.  
I decided to go to Marcos place after school, looking after him.

* * *

**AT MARCO'S PLACE**

„Hi, it's Jean, I came to look after Marco, is he here?"

His mother didn't respond anything at the door and let me in. She made a gesture to follow her into the kitchen, where also Aika was seated at the table. They both looked pretty down, and I could tell they've been both crying. Worry overcame me so I asked „What's happened?"

What's with this atmosphere? And why has Marco still not shown up? What is wrong here?  
Thoughts like that went through my mind, almost making me panicking.

„Jean..." the womand started talking but soon was interrupted by a sob coming out of her threat.

„Oi..what's with him?"

„He's DEAD!" Aika started screaming and crying at the same time, before running out of the room and slamming the door. Her mother burried her face in her hands, shoulders trembling and loud crying sounds filled the room.

Bam. It was like a hit in the stomach. I had troubles catching my breath and was at the edge of falling into into unconsciousness. No. This is a lie, this is not true.

„Is he..really...?"

His mother lifted her head, her eyes were red from all the crying. She looked at me but her gaze was empty. She nodded.

Another hit. This time, right through my heart.

„He...jumped of a bridge..Jean..He killed himself!"

She shouted, all the frustration came out. But I knew there was nothing I could do to help her. I had to control myself first.  
From one second to another, my world was torn apart. I felt like losing the ground beneath my feet and desperately held on to the table.

He killed himself? Why would he do this? Why would he end his own life?

So many questions on my minds. So many things that were unspoken.

Suddenly, Marcos mother talked again, muttured words from a broken voice.

„He left something for you in his room, please take a look"

Still holding on to the table, I got up on my feet. Slowly I made way out of the kitchen, heading towards Marcos room. I didn't know what expected me there but I know it would be tough simply going into his room, knowing that he wouldn't be there.  
I tried to hold my breath as I opened the door. His room was messy as always, like he would just come back any second.

There was a letter on the bed, with „Jean" written on it, and his iPod.  
I took the iPod and entered the PIN-code, which Marco once told me.

The song „Nothing left so say" from Imagine Dragons was played.  
I pressed start and listened.

_Below my soul__  
__I feel an engine__  
__Collapsing as it sees the pain__  
__If I could only shut it out__  
__I've come too far__  
__To see the end now__  
__Even if my way is wrong__  
__I keep pushing on and on_

_There's nothing left to say now  
I'm giving up._

I felt something wet dripping down on the screen. A tear? I reached to my face, feeling my cheeks all heated up, another tear rolling down and falling to the ground. Wiping the tears away, I let the song play and reached onto the bed to grab the letter. I opened it and started reading..already the first words made me sob.

„Dear Jean,  
I hope you won't hate me for what I've done. Try to understand me.  
You know that my life's never been easy but lately, it was just too much to bear.  
The dear of losing you due to your parents, of my mother overworking and collapsing, of Aika not having a good life and the fear of me not being able to carry this all.  
I know, these are all stupid excuses but I am not a strong person, I've never been.  
I don't think I can offer everyone around me what they need, I am just a burden to you all.  
So I hope you understand at least a bit.  
I am sorry, Jean.  
I love you."

Those words pushed me over the edge. My knees gave out and I fell to the floor. Desperate for air, I tried to breathe. I wanted to scream but nothing would come out. It was so unfair. Why do always the good people have to go through such shit?

His mother must've heard me because she soon entered the room. She knelt beside me, hugged me and whispered calming words, which didn't have any effects on me. I wanted to run, run away and beat anyone who made Marco feel this way.

We stayed in this position for quite a long time, until the tears dried out and we were both unable to make another sound. I stood up, pulled the woman with me, who still held on to my arm. She looked horrible, like she haven't slept for weeks. But it must've been the previous night or day that Marco took his life, though.

„I have to go now, I'm sorry" She simply nodded.

„Let me know if...there's anything I can help you with" She replied with a nod again.

* * *

I left the house, still feeling like I was in trance. My thoughts revolved only around Marcos death.  
He'll never be here again...He will never embrace me with those arms and I will never be able to kiss him again. Damn it. Marco, you brat. Leaving us here all alone. How dare you to. Let this be only a dream.  
Such thoughts raced around, looking for a place to hold on to, but being pushed around even more.  
How will I ever be able to sleep again.

I knew that his mother and sister were filled with nothing but sadness and desperation, now that the only son and brother had died.

Maybe I was unable to replace him. But I swore to myself that I would do anything to support them, whether it was money or bringing Aika to school, cooking or doing the housework.  
I had to help them, no matter what.

_Marco..why did you do this? You'll be missed here, stupid._

* * *

**TWO YEARS LATER**

The wind carries the smell of the ocean, it is refreshing but had a scent of nostalgia in it.  
The sea-gulls scream their annoying sounds but somehow, it belongs here.

I am standing on the top of a little hill and look at the gravestone in front of me, saying MARCO BOLDT. The flowers planted there were in all colors, looking somewhat happy, though they lived in a place full of sadness.

Reaching into my pocket, I pull out a small piece of paper, and hold it in my hands for a moment, before I place it under a stone on the grave in front of me.

„We still miss you here, ya know" I whisper as I turn around and make my way back.

Suddenly, a smiling face of a black haired boy with freckles appears in my mind, looking like a child on christmas eve.

And then I have to smile too.

_I hope you always keep smiling like that, Marco. Keep that smile._

* * *

**-THE LETTER FROM JEAN TO MARCO-**

_Hey, Marco._

_It's now two years since you decided to go away._  
_Well, thought I'd let you know how things are doing down here._  
_Aika got into middleschool. She's currently pretty obsessed with my books, she reads them all._  
_But I am glad that she has something she is interested in again._  
_Your mother quit one of her jobs to be at home for your sister. They are doing okay, not only because I support them wherever I can._  
_I cook for Aika after school and help her with the homework._  
_Guess I now have a little sister, right?_  
_However..they'll make it. They will get better. Your going away still lingers in their minds everyday, you can guess. In mine as well._

_I never thought I'd say this but_  
_I love you._  
_Jean_


End file.
